O.K. people, it's been a very long time, and i haven't been doing my homework due to the actual homework i had to do. had my exams and the results are due next week. don't think i've done too well, and well, that's just a part of the pressure i'm facing...i have a lot of things going on in my head and that just brings about this completely jumbled piece i have to present. comments will be much too much appreciated. Guile. A silent streak of white lies follows me, A scent behind every shrill cry captures me, A pang of pain rips me, a heart to break, and it kills me, I refrain, but the beauty of things devours me. Thoughts to think and they harm me, Blood to bleed and it calms me, Grass to tear, tear to share, it feels me, I can feel your love need me. We are one, and one doesn’t have me, I’m locked behind stories that grab me, Those eyes and those times, they strangle me, I know it takes too much to handle me. Fear with all I have left in me, Too dead to believe a kiss run into me, Find a failing heart trying to live within me, Your touch, your signs, it skins me. Crumpled veins like torn roses excite me, Warriors dying on their way home, just like me, A grave in love’s depth, the venom intoxicates me, The truth of being alone, the words you speak, they break me. And broken are the skies when sunlight peers, And harassed is the glass, through which the world is clear, And so my soul burns, I understand you better, I can see the things you’ve never shown; I can see us together…forever.
A bit of an overload on the mes, and I think the last line would be better without the ... On the whole, however, it's brilliant.
The "me's" didn't bother me a bit. I realized that it was part of the format you were using. Very nice, I expect more from you in the future .
Great use of parallelism - the repetition of 'me' makes it seem far darker. Also liking the plosive B's and P's for the same reason. Best work I've seen in here for quite some time. Despite this not being my particular style, it's still a piece of decent work. Nice one.
Great job, I really liked it. I love your use of language. I think you are my favourite writer on the LPA.