Staring up at the ceiling, numb with feeling Just me and the music I’m stealing And it’s hard concealing that I long for you But I can’t follow through, nothing to do I hate that my fate made this true But I don’t hate you, and neither does he Apparently, he is better than me Comparatively, what do you see? Am I crushed to dust and brushed away? Not a word to say, no delay You’re on your way as I beg tears to stay I remember when you told me who he was, told me his name Mentioned how you felt as I swallowed the shame Try to pass the blame, but it just comes back Punch a hole in my soul as my heart turns black Final attack, and I feel it finished me Diminished me, left so alone Hide in the walls of the house I call home Hide from my pride and hide from the lies Hide from the feelings that I feel inside Hide from your eyes as I wish to see them Gaze long and deep and hope that I’m in them But the hope is dimming and then goes out Can never hold you close, never hear you shout But what about who I was before this Didn’t know what I missed, ignorance is bliss But bliss left blisters and the blisters burn Scars to remind me of a time never to return Live and learn but I can’t learn to live I learned to love but my love’s not his And yours not mine, that is that Bet you never thought what you got would change me in seconds flat I know it isn't my best, but it is a touch different. Comment please.
I loved it, but there's one problem. I think if you changed that line (the mush part) it would make the poem smoother. I had a problem with exactly the same word in one of my poems, and I had around 5 people telling me to change it
Okay, thanks. I'll try to change it. EDIT: I changes it to: Am I crushed to dust and brushed away? How it that?
you've tried to experiment i guess...your other works were just a little bit deeper. it was worth the time it took me to read.... and that's all that matters to me. good job!
Thanks. Yeah, I was trying a new style. Also, I really wanted to write a poem of this nature, but was having a hard time. I chose this style because it is easier to pick up and go wiht, not being so restricted with line sizes and rhyme schemes. I guess I should have waited a bit and made a better one though. I hate when I waste a good subject on a crappy poem, because then I want to wait a bit before I make another poem ont he same subject. Same thing happened with my original poem, but I think it may just be time to make a "Just Friends" part two. Thanks again for the reply.
It's not bad, because I've seen worst from people when in school. Though this is your best, it's still better than many others. Great try though.