I haven't done anything really new since that cool RAP thread. So here is something new. Choking on the light of this world It's so bright thay my eyes begin turn pearl Crystals dropping down my face I can taste the oceans salty grace Redness swirling through my eyes I try to dry my immense cry But all I do it make it tense inside The ties that bind begin to dry Flying through my mind I lay down waiting for this day to end It slows down and I begin to drown at ten Within my head mind begins to spin I can't find the dirt of my sins My Hart is falling out of place I can feel that I can't win this chase Crystals drying on my face I begin to pick up the pace Running through my head I chase within I've found what I was searching for the dirt of my sins The ties that bind begin to dry Flying through my mind I lay down waiting for this day to end It slows down and I begin to drown at ten Within my head my mind begins to spin I've found the dirt of my sins B)
I really really liked this, the concept was brilliant and it was written very well. Only some forced rhyming brought it down. You don't always need to rhyme but if you are take your time, get it write, if you can't think of anything quite write, redo the line that it is suppose to rhyme with. Rhyming is a great tool, but it can also ruin a great poem