Here is my new poem. I tried to add a bit more creativity, but it still sounds kind of cliche. Tell me what you think. I can't post it on my site right now because my host is down. This shadow of love Will it consume me? I’m a shadow Beside you A wax sculpture Untainted, so perfect What I’d give to touch you And would it we worth it? If you melted over me Could I take the heat? Or would I stumble back? Fall down at your feet A porcelain statue Black hair, pale face Yet I’m the one fragile Confused, disgraced To caress your body Your face, your breasts An unattainable dream Alone, distressed The shadow deepens My mind goes dark Do I love you? It’s all to dark A statue so perfect To good to be true Who do I love? Do I even know you? And what does it matter? I should just move on I want no love Goodbye, be gone! I circle the statue Search for a crack Too dark to see Too dark to go back I cling to your candle As a moth clings to light Afraid to fall burned Unable to take flight I can’t fight love I can’t fight at all I’m not a fighter I’m nothing at all
Thanks for your honesty. Do you think I put to many questions in the poem? Can you give me any means for improvement?
This shadow of love Will it consume me? I’m a shadow Beside you good intro A wax sculpture Untainted, so perfect good imagery What I’d give to touch you And would it we worth it? replace the word "and" with something else If you melted over me Could I take the heat? Or would I stumble back? Fall down at your feet A porcelain statue Black hair, pale face Yet I’m the one fragile Confused, disgraced To caress your body Your face, your breasts An unattainable dream Alone, distressed The shadow deepens nice My mind goes dark should say "darkens".. relates well to the previous line Do I love you? It’s all to dark A statue so perfect To good to be true Who do I love? Do I even know you? And what does it matter? I should just move on I want no love Goodbye, be gone! this line ruined almost everything you built up I circle the statue Search for a crack Too dark to see Too dark to go back back to what? light? I cling to your candle statues have candles? As a moth clings to light Afraid to fall burned Unable to take flight I can’t fight love I can’t fight at all I’m not a fighter I’m nothing at all ending isnt as strong as the begining if you're a beginner to poetry.. then dont worry about cliches.. because they give you something to steady yourself from so you can get a hang of the process and in turn, develop your own style.. You created a really good concept and you certainly kept within bounds of it.. you used the right words except the breakdown line "Goodbye, be gone!" should really be changed because it makes it seem really lame.. Other than that i enjoyed reading this.. good work
This is really good...i love the poem haha, had a nice dark vibe about, can't quite put my finger on it... Nice stuff there
Thanks for your honesty. Do you think I put to many questions in the poem? Can you give me any means for improvement? [/b][/quote] did u get my PM explaining it?