Alright, I've been writing this and it isn't finished. I want to know if it's any good. I don't know if it's worth finishing it or not. So I really, really need you to be honest about it. The part that I'm most skeptical about is the chorus, so I'd like specific opinions on that as well. -------- Safe talk, what the hell does that mean? You've been borrowing traits From a vending machine In the background you could light up the scene But the year's left you changed Now you light up the street Lately you've been torn at the seams And I've sewn up your jeans But I can't cut you free Ghost hearts, when the tide is just right They can come back to life When they should stay out to sea Chorus: We heal with the trouble we make Moving closer and closer to finding our way But I know that nothing can change The tribute I write to the mess I create So I've got one written for you And the way that I sat down, ignoring the truth I've got one for every time That I passively let something flawless fall through Bad news from the Polaroid front Once a picture of trust Now a pact you forgot Red lights always made up your mind It felt better to hide Than to make yourself stop False high from the graveyard shift Just counting the hours Crossing names off your list Stay out and ignore every sign Just remember a time You were better than this
This is my honest opinion. I really, really, really like the poem. I just think that the chorus doesn't really fit in. I think you've got the meaning there, the words seem to kind of slide, unlike the rest of the poem, which sticks. Bad analogy, I know.
No, that was a good analogy because I got the general idea of it, and that's one of the things I felt about it too. The first half of the chorus bothered me the most, but I wasn't sure if it was just me. Thank you Mali dear!