I lived till I was seventeen Under a different sky Where falling rain was not a symbol Where I would never cry I lived in such a painless world Well, in the strictest sense Absent of both pleasure and pain I balanced on the fence Oh at times I'd tilt and sway To the light gusts of my youth But never did I fall away From that one eternal truth But such numbness is decadent The emptiness cannot cure Those feelings of nothingness A sorrow far more pure Far more pure than anything That could ever be inspired By the threat of losing that Which you've always desired Because no matter how much pain Desire lets you receive It can never begin to compare To having nothing to believe And on the 24th of September At seventeen years of age I was bastised in the seas of love Reborn in a new book, a new page What brilliance! Exilleration! I can truly say that I'm alive! A new chapter New existence With such desire, such drive! But then it had occured to me In october of that year All this beauty I had maintained Could be my greatest fear I was terrified! Insecure! I had so much to prove! To this body Adacent me Oh so much to lose! And through 4 months it did decay Leaving just the pain Abandoning all I hoped we'd be I sobbed myself insane Such torment! Agony! I longed for suicide And if I stood Where I do now I really may have died But I was on the second floor And blades just scratched my skin Living on the eight now The end could begin But I was back in familliar ground Impaled upon that fence Slowly growing cold and numb It all was less intense It felt funny being found there By that impish girl that day She would smile and hold my hand She was never far away And during her many visits She tried to pull me from those bars From the cast iron puncturing me My beautiful altar But while she removed that iron The night she removed her shirt No matter what she did for me I still remained inert But she did never realize That she held me in place Entering my world of emptiness It housed more to embrace But despite making that world A bearable place to be She saw I yearned for more and more For something pure and free And no matter how much she wished to be that She had no choice but to retreat For I could never find that in her She left me in defeat But even from that distance I knew she did still earn She always kept in touch with me Promised she would return But weeks before she did so I would disappear Plunging into another woman Returning to that fear I'm back! Elated! How I missed this world! Finally! I'm someone! But slowly it unfurled Not again! Please! Don't make me feel the past! I'm begging! Weeping! I knew we could not last And so once again I return to my post The impish girl comforts me She loves me more than most And slowly the grey returns The steady grinding of gears Of isolation and emptiness Of a world without tears