<div align=center>Attention Florida Inhabitants! Hurricane Notice.</div> Soon, you’re going to turn on the TV and see a weather reporter pointing to another spinning red thing headed toward our coast and making two basic meteorological points: There is no reason to panic. Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one” Based on experiences, you should follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan: STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family three days. STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car. STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween. We start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items: HOMEOWNERS’ INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunatly, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets these two basic requirents: (1) Its is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Nebraska Unfortunatly, if your home is located on florida, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be reqired to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like a bad talk show host. This week, I’m recommending the Bubba and Billy Ray insurance Co. Under this policy it states that in addition to my premium, Bubba and Billy Ray are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys. SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all of the windows, all the doors, and if it’s a major hurricane all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages : PLYWOOD SHUTTERS: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they’re cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off. SHEET-METAL SHUTTERS: The advantage is that these will work very well, obce you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December. ROLL DOWN SHUTTERS: The advantages are that they’re very easy to use, and will defiantly protect your house. The disadvantage is that you’ll have to sell your house to pay for them. “HURRICANE PROOF” WINDOWS: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska. EVACTUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned.. (To determine wheather you live in a low lying area, look at your license plate, if it says Florida, you live in a low lying area.) The purpose of having an evactuation route planned is so that you wont be stuck in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be stuck in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you wont be lonely . HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don’t evacuate you will need lots of supplies. Dot not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23 Flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that will turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach… No, I don’t know what the bleach is for (NOBADO knows what the bleach is for, but it’s a tradition.) A big knife you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless when the Hurricane comes, but it looks cool.) And $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no visible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep alert of the situation by turning to your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everyone to stay away from the ocean. SMILE—AND STAY SAFE! UPSATES WILL BE FORTHCOMING AS RECEIVED -- I almost pissed myself reading this... enjoy.