Jealous: It's just not fair your love is reserved for him Each day the pain drives deeper beneath the skin Wanna let go of the jealousy that's haunting me Really wanna say and do what you want to see But I'm to shallow, to scared, to dumb Wasted all the time while I'm on the run Wanna turn away and still face the fact that your world's not mine...and that's that. I feel so manic drowning in a pool of panic...jealous Please tell me what I'm at without being to emphatic I already feel like a dump with this built up static Watching him take up all your time like the hog he is Knowing you never loved me is what gets me so pissed I know it's wrong 'cause I never even tried to get to you But this jealousy makes me bleed inside and the pain comes through I guess It's best to go away and accept that it's all gone to waste But it's to late to go now and leave it all behind without losing face. I feel so used bleeding underneath the bruise...jealous I hope this is better than the other one...I'm trying...please tell me what needs improvement!
It's okay, not brilliant, but an improvement from the exclamation mark poem One thing, though, you made several errors with the word too. I'm not going to tell you where they are, just read through, you'll pick it up.
will do (I suck at grammar...do you too? ) I read it...I know what you were talking about...man...how dumb am I? *rofl*
I liked the emotion in this one. I, personally, think using words like "pissed", "hog" and "dumb" take away from the poetic feel a bit. Just my opinion, but it seems a little blunt, less graceful then the rest of the writing. it is my fa ourite out of the ones you've written. Sorry if I sound harsh in my comments. I'm not trying to be a jerk, just being honest.
I'll tell you only one time...well...after having told you three or four times before...I like your being honest about it...if nobody would tell me where I could improve I wouldn't have the chance to in other words: stop being honest and I'll throw a fit