Heres a rough Draft of something that seems like a good concept. Tell me what you think. This Itching -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I have something itching at me Picking on me, Skipping on my eyes Making me blind, and Taking away my mind It's gripping at me Ripping me from my ever pleasing life Taking my cries for a walk in some lies Now I'm insanely mad, and I can't see past this trance I can't be me this man that I started to plan That one that I wanted to be Now I feed, on this pressuring Greed This itching pain I'm taking it in Scratching it thin Making it mine again, and to never end Though I didn't want it at all when it began I want to last for the sake of me I want to pass this task I want to walk on my feet I want to take of this masking rash What can I do but caress all that it gives Shaking it off the edge that it lives On the verge of breaking my arms So I can't grab the parts that were over worn Puzzling me Breaking me free Break me from its Path that was broke dead on my knees But I wear this mask Keeping me from being the one who was had And it's making me blind Hiding my eyes And Trying to stay alive But the itching gets worse and starts hurting my head The gripping begins to tort and it's making me dead I want to last for the sake of me I want to pass this task I want to walk on my feet I want to take of this masking rash Wont you just make me Scratch at your itching (I want to) Wont you just make me Scratch at your itching (I want to) Wont you just make me Scratch at your itching (I want to) Wont you just make me Scratch at your itching I want to last for the sake of me I want to pass this task I want to walk on my feet I want to take of this masking rash I want to last for the sake of me
First, it should be take off, not of here: I want to take of this masking rash Also, "wont" has an apostrophe in it. Won't. Grammatical issues aside, it wasn't a bad piece. It has some rough edges, a few places where the flow seems disturbed, but as you said: it's just a concept. An example of this for me was "Now I'm insanely mad, and I can't see past this trance". It seemed a bit long. Thirdly, I can see you really like rhyming. However, I think you should attempt a more solid rhyme scheme sometime in the future. It seems to me that you throw together as many rhyming words as possible, which sometimes makes them forced and even childish sounding. In my opinion at least. Don't take this as me trashing your piece. I don't think it's bad, I just looked for areas of improvement.